Mental, but Maternal
Living with PPD and MotherhoodOriginally published on a former blog in September 2019
Right now, my boys are the only things keeping me going. And...I'm not even going very well for them. I feel like all I do is work and sleep. I can't even go through the motions at home right now.
My children are three and three months, so obviously they don't understand, they just know maybe mom isn't there as much as she normally is, especially G. He's more cognizant of it.
If I could tell them anything, I would tell them something like this...
My sweet boys,
I love you both so much that it hurts. I know I tell you multiple times a day, but I don't think you'll understand how much until you have children of your own. I would do anything in my power for you. I want the world for you, and I often find myself wishing I could be more for you. Not in the sense of stay-at-home mom vs working mom, or Pinterest mom vs. Walmart mom; but in the sense of being present, engaged, happy, and healthy for you.
I wish you knew, even in my darkest moments, when I think that you and your dad would be better off without me, I stay because I love you.
I'm sorry my patience, or lack of, has affected you. I'm sorry I snap at you, or get overwhelmed and leave the room.
G, to you in particular, I'm sorry when I get upset or frustrated and you feel like you're doing something wrong: you're not. It's me, and my own demons. Even when you make decisions I wish you didn't, I never want you to think that you're bad or naughty. You're not. You're smart, busy, creative, a critical thinker, helpful, kind, big and soft hearted. I want the world to accept that, and not try and beat any of it out of you. I especially don't want your dad and I to be the reason you lose any of those magnificent qualities.
Roarke, my apologies for you are a different beast. You won't remember, thank God, the feelings I had towards you after you were born. I wish I could forget. Even though in the midst of postpartum depression I wished that you weren't with us, that I wasn't with us, I wouldn't give you up for the world now. The slow, happy smiles and giggles, the fact that you look for me when someone else has you, just reminds me how lucky I am to have you in my life too.
I hope neither of you remember this period in our lives. Where Mom goes to school, comes home and sleeps. Where she's irritable, cries, disconnects, disassociates. I hope you remember the good times, not these hard ones.
But, if you do remember this...especially you, G, please know I haven't stopped loving you. I fight this daily battle for you. I want to be here for you two. The moments that keep me going are the ones where you guys cuddle me, give me kisses, and sing songs to me. Where we pray, and I'm the first person you want to ask God to take care of. You two are the reason I do everything I do: why I fight, why I love, why I'm still alive.
So, I am sorry, for the struggles, for the bad days, for the excessive screen time. But thank you, for being the best part of my life, the best parts of me out walking around on your own. Thank you, for letting me love you, for being in my life.
Love you more than my luggage.
Mama
